I get it, you're drunk
'Tis not the season to exert yourself athletically but let's have a chat about it anyway.
If the mission of this newsletter is to gently encourage more people to be active, well, now really isn’t the time is it? In case you haven’t noticed, it’s less than two weeks until Christmas, a time when gyms are deserted and you’re too laden down with DPD packages, mince pies and office party shame to contemplate doing anything as wholesome as exercise.
I am being active, though. Some things I’ve been actively doing:
Ploughing my upper body strength into making wreaths with my friends, because this has inexplicably become as much of a staple for urban mums as midi dresses and Vejas. That willow is hard to bend, if I hadn’t been doing Body Pump all year there’s no way I’d’ve managed it.
Upping my step count by taking a special trip to Tesco Express (160 metres from my home) to buy Baileys, because my dad told me the big bottles are reduced to a tenner. I also bought some easy peelers because I didn’t want to look like someone who makes a special trip to the shop after dark just to buy heavily discounted booze.
Working my biceps, triceps and facial muscles to clap and grin my way through two Christmas performances and an Irish dancing showcase.
Landing a personal best for most Amazon orders placed in a 24 hour period.
OK, I’ll be honest. Because I am both self-employed and deeply annoying, I am still managing to do proper exercise too, even if my most recent run did end at a local bakery to meet friends for a festive brunch. London Marathon is now just over four months away and while my training plan is currently a little loose, I know I need to lay the foundations now to start upping the intensity in the new year.
And what I’ve realised from this is that it’s actually a really good time to do a little bit of exercise. Why?
The gyms are empty and some of them even have enticing joining incentives right now. One friend went to a class on Sunday morning and was the only person there, so she basically got a PT session for a tenner. If you’re at all self-conscious about working out, now is a great time to familiarise yourself with the equipment, ask as many questions as you like and maybe even try out a new class, all to a soothing soundtrack of 180BPM Feliz Navidad remixes. By the time all the gymmy-come-latelys rock up in January wearing pristine new socks, you’ll practically own the place.
If it’s not raining (this is a big if), running at this time of year is a joy. There are crunchy leaves. There are twinkly lights. The air is cool and fresh. You can pretend you are the unthreateningly attractive protagonist in a festive Netflix romcom about a big city gal/guy who slips on some frosty foliage into the arms of a hunky/hot Santa impersonator. Working titles: Christmas Card(io), Mistletoes, The Christmas Solemate, Personal Best Christmas Ever, Santa Fasciitis, Happily Ever Strava. Let me know if you or ChatGPT have any better suggestions.
Victory awaits you. We went to junior parkrun on Sunday and my son came 12th. 12th! He normally comes about 50th. OK, so there were only 16 kids there, but this minor detail didn’t matter to him, he was delighted to see such a low number on his finish token. And it’s the same at grownup parkrun, too. By mid-January, though, they will be SWARMING. Great for atmosphere, terrible for post-event coffee queues and start line space-jostling.
Christmas is flipping stressful, and exercise helps. The trouble is, the new strength class I tried last week released so many delicious endorphins that I ended up dropping £150 on my loved ones at the cute gift shop a few doors down immediately afterwards. This categorically would not have happened if I’d been in a grump, but it’s good to support local businesses, right?
At times over the festive season you might feel disgusting - which you shouldn’t, but you might - and moving your body can offset this a bit. It’s an unfortunate fact that some of the absolutely loveliest things about this time of year - namely mince pies, Lindt reindeer, mulled wine, and that was just breakfast - can leave us feeling a bit questionable. “Exercising to burn calories” is a very hard mindset to get out of, especially when it’s drummed into us by fitness apps, but “getting some fresh air to ease the bloat from the bread sauce” is a more positive way of looking at it. Movement isn’t punishment, it’s something to look forward to and even a chance to be social - whether it’s a Christmas Lights Running Tour, brisk Boxing Day walk or New Year’s Day cold water swim (lunatic).
Not convinced? Then don’t bother. Just join the “new year, new socks” crew in a few weeks. After all, tis the season to be jolly lazy, greedy and drunk. And I’m definitely doing plenty of that too.
In the last edition of KIUF! I shared a few vaguely relevant links and they seemed to go down a treat, so here are some more…
- by running coach and writer is officially the first Substack I’ve actually paid for and I particularly liked her latest post on being a beginner. My willingness to pay for this over the many other newsletters I subscribe to made me realise I will only dish out cold hard cash when something might help me practically as well as providing entertainment. Speaking of which, in the new year I’m planning to keep these fortnightly fatties free, but possibly offer some sort of premium “content” on top. What would you pay for from me, if anything? And how can I avoid doing extra work for about £15 a month? Let me know!
I wrote a piece for The Independent (hi, new sign-ups who’ve come from there, you seem nice) on how the real crisis is not obesity, but confidence. It features mildly embarrassing photos of me, and a paywall.
If you’re a keen runner and have a grand lying around, you might like this one of a kind textile masterpiece for sale on Holly & Co. I want to hang it above the telly to annoy my husband.
Also one for the running enthusiasts: after I mentioned their stuff in the last edition, the nice people at Race Day Prints sent me a special discount code just for you. If you buy one of their cool prints using this link and the code FATTY15, you get a sweet discount and I get a sweet cut.
In keeping with the vague theme of this newsletter and in a turn of events that came as quite a shock to my friends and family, I also wrote a piece for The Telegraph on how to pace yourself when drinking.
Did you know that millennials wear hidden trainer socks while Gen Z wear higher ones? I’ve now started pulling mine up and if anyone asks, it’s because it’s cosier and not because I wish I was 24.
parkrun have some new merch with your name on it. Like, literally. If you want to gift a parkrun fan any of the milestone items, though, you’ll need their barcode ID, which you can get by searching recent results for their parkrun of choice. Funny story: I ordered two milestone mugs - a 50 for me, a 25 for my son - but they mistakenly sent me a third, so if anyone knows an Ella Shannon who likes running so much that she has 100 volunteer credits, I have her mug. Hopefully I haven’t just ruined a Christmas surprise (but don’t worry, like the good citizen I am, I reported it and they’re sending her a replacement. Maybe I’ll just keep this one for tradespeople).
It would be weird if I’d looked up her times wouldn’t it?
In theory, the next edition of KIUF! will be happening between Christmas and New Year but does that seem like something I’m going to want to do over Twixmas? Time will tell. In the meantime, have a wonderful festive season and thank you for signing up to KIUF! this year.
Thanks so much for the mention! I love reading your Substack. Also have two bottles of Bailey’s from Tesco. The first one was cracked open at the weekend.
‘KIUF!’ - I like it. It could catch on.