I've put this off for as long as possible

The time has come. I'm going to write about marathon training. I promise I'll try to make it fun and engaging though. Ish?

Holy crap! Next time I run past Cutty Sark will be during the marathon and there will be a lot more people.

Keep It Up Fatty! isn’t a newsletter about running. Keep It Up Fatty! is a newsletter that exists because of running, but I’m painfully aware that not everyone who reads it gives a shit about running.

Substack tells me where you live (Guten tag! to my six German fans, Oi! to the two in Brazil and Ahoj! to that one person flying the flag for KIUF! in the Czech Republic).

Substack tells me how many times you open my emails and which links you click on (oh, you really liked that old Record Breakers clip huh?).

But Substack does not tell me whether or not you’re into running, so unless your email address happens to be JoggyMcSprintfoot@Iluv2run.com it’s all a bit of a mystery.

You might be here for the body image stuff, the 00s magazine culture stuff or just because we know each other a bit in real life and now you would feel incredibly awkward if you unsubscribed and then we bumped into each other sniffing Hotel Collection reed diffusers at Aldi Bell Green.

Because of this I try to balance the running stuff out with the more “women’s lifestyle” stuff. I don’t want to make it just about running and therefore alienate those of you who haven’t (yet) succumbed to the sweet, sweet aroma of fresh sweat, damp trainers and morning porridge.

Until now. This week it’s about running. I am 13 days away from LONDON FLIPPING MARATHON and so I thought it was time I answered all the questions that literally two or three people have asked just to be polite…

How far is a marathon again?

It’s 26.2 miles, or just over 42 kilometres, but I generally run in miles because I’m old. It’s this distance due to something to do with the Greeks that you might want to read because you never know when it might come up in a pub quiz.

Wait, are you actually going to run all of it? Like, without stopping? No way!

That’s the plan! I might stop to go to the loo along the way (I haven’t needed to do this for half marathons, but during my recent longer training runs nature has called and I’ve perfected the art of sneaking past Starbucks baristas without making eye contact). But otherwise I intend to run the whole thing without any walking breaks if I can. I’m a bit nervous because I did my longest training run on Easter Monday and got a crippling stitch about 16 miles in which slowed me down a lot for the last bit, but you could still just about call it a jog. Do hit me up with your stitch-blitzing tips in case it happens on the day!

But, like, what, how can you run that far? I could never do that.

You so could! At the the Asthma + Lung UK marathon training day I went to, running coach Nick Anderson from Running With Us said something really reassuring: if, right now, something really important to you was happening 26 miles away, and the only option was to get there on foot, and you are a reasonably healthy human, you could probably do it. You might not run all of it and it might take many, many hours, but you would make it. And anyway, that’s what the training is for. Four years ago, I didn’t think I could run for two minutes without stopping. Then I, slowly but surely, hit 5K. 10K was unthinkable though, right? No! The magic of running means that each insane thing gradually becomes attainable. And before you know it you’re Jasmin Paris.

How has training been going? Are you following a programme or just making it up?

I have mostly been following Track Club Babe’s Fast Marathon programme, because I love her, but I’ve taken a flexible approach to it and also made sure I can go to parkrun most Saturdays. Marathon training schedules generally call for one long run a week (in my case, the longest one was 20 miles), a couple of shorter ones (generally up to 10K or so) and perhaps an intervals session (that’s shorter bursts of fast running with breaks). Sounds like a lot? It is but you get used to it. By which I mean: you get completely addicted and spiral into existential misery if you miss a day. Healthy stuff.

It’s important to note that I didn’t start from scratch - apart from a few periods of injury here and there, I have been running 2-3 times a week for four years. But until a few weeks ago, I had never run further than half marathon distance. I mean, why would I?

I’m now in my taper period, which is where you ease off on the mileage a bit in the last couple of weeks before race day, and instead focus on going completely nuts and questioning everything. It’s better with Easter eggs though.

Do you do any strength training or anything too?

Yes. It’s hard to fit it in with all the bloody running but I try to go to at least one class a week at an amazing local fitness studio called Mindfit. I think it has helped - I’m not injured, anyway and my thighs are really muscly. I also love going because the wonderful instructors there indulge me with marathon chat AND it’s near loads of nice coffee shops.

How do you fit all this around the family and work and stuff?

Sometimes I spend time with my children and wear normal clothes.

Thanks to being self-employed, I’ve mostly been doing my mega-runs on Monday mornings, after dropping my kids, aged 6 and 8, at school. When I’m just too damned busy and important to do this (rare), I’ve done some of them at weekends, but I try to go pretty early so it doesn’t encroach on the day too much. They sometimes moan about it, but they usually zip it pretty promptly when I say I’ve plotted my route to finish by a cafe where tasty treats can be procured.

If anyone knows of any parenting techniques that don’t involve bribing with food, do write in.

Nobody’s marathon training schedule runs completely smoothly. In the past few months, I’ve had to be flexible due to school holidays, illness, long work days, social stuff and family stuff, but I am a human being, not a run-bot, and I’m not trying to win the thing, so it’s fine.

Have you lost loads of weight during training?

No! I lost some weight last year before I started training in earnest, but since January, although my body has changed, the number on the scales has not budged. Yes I know scales are evil, so I try to only step on once a week… or less often if I think I have gained weight. That’s how this toxic habit works, right?

The truth is, if you lose weight significantly during marathon training, you are probably not fuelling properly. “Fuelling” is a fancy word that runners use that you might know as “eating”. We also like to “hydrate” where mere mortals merely drink.

Running for two or three or four or more hours straight makes you somewhat peckish, so you should eat adequately before, during and after. If you are interested in this stuff and want info from someone actually qualified, I’d recommend checking out The Runner Beans.

Would you like a glass of wine?

No thanks - just to be extra-smug I’ve taken eight weeks off drinking in the run-up to the marathon (I last drank on my birthday weekend and it was probably about eight weeks’ worth anyway). I don’t know if it’s made any difference to my running ability but I look slightly more alive. Enjoy my glowing skin while you can, I’ll be getting back on it as soon as this ordeal is over.

What are you going to wear?

I am wearing geriatric millennial trainer socks here but I do sometimes wear pulled-up socks to show I’m down with Gen Z.

I have a nice bright Asthma + Lung UK charity vest to wear - and I’m currently contemplating whether I’d look like a massive twat if I stuck the URL for this Substack on the back (thoughts?!). And I’ll wear Sweaty Betty Power leggings - or the equivalent shorts if it’s unseasonably hot - and my trusty ASICS Gel Kayanos (is “trusty” the right word when I’ve got through three pairs during training?), plus a belt/bumbag thing for my energy gels and stuff.

What about your tits?

They will be encased in colourful armour aka my Panache wired sports bra and I’ve recently discovered that the key to it not chafing around the clasp is to go down a back size to something that sounds unfeasibly tiny so that it simply cannot budge even a millimetre. I might not be able to breathe - ironic considering who I’m running for - but at least my back won’t bleed.

A close second choice would be my Curvy Kate wired sports bra, which I got via a virtual fitting with lingerie expert Katie Weir. This involved swooping and scooping my boobs at my kitchen table over Zoom, only way less awkward than it sounds due to Katie being a total delight. I would massively recommend titting hitting her up if you struggle to find bras that fit properly, for sporty pursuits or otherwise.

I used to use having big (ish) boobs as one of many excuses not to exercise, but it turns out technology has come on and there is ample support on hand even if you’re over a G cup.

Do you have to raise a certain amount for charity?

Yes! I have to raise £2000 for Asthma + Lung UK and at the time of writing I am only £85 off this target. However, I am trying to raise an extra grand to help even more lungs and because, as everyone dear to me always says, I am NEVER SATISFIED. You can sponsor me here if you would like to - and pick a song for my running playlist! I will be very, very grateful: THANK YOU.

Have you got a time in mind?

I mainly want to not die but I would like to try and not die in under five hours. The average London Marathon finish time for a 40-44 year old woman is apparently 4hr 55min 41 sec so maybe I’ll make being distinctly average my goal, as greatness is overrated. Recent training runs suggest I should just about manage it but I am worried about all the things I can’t control, like the weather and the possibility of getting a stitch.

Do you want me to come and cheer you on?

I dunno, do I know ya? Are you weird? My start time is just after 11am, so if you happen to be passing by feel free to shriek “KEEP IT UP FATTY!” at me and get arrested for hate speech.

Do you think you will do another one?

Let’s see how awful it is first. I’m thinking I’ll probably revert to half marathons after this because the weirdness of running means that they feel like a piece of piss now.

Can we talk about something else now?

Sorry, I’ve got nothing. Wish me luck! And I promise next time I’ll make it all about celebrity bums or something.