Three things you need to know

If you're one of the thousands of people who's just taken up running, that is...

Guys, there’s this hot new sport on the block that involves moving your feet more rapidly than usual, taking selfies in which you look a bit red and alienating everyone you love by becoming really, really boring. It’s called running and it’s officially having a moment.

Now, I’m not saying I invented running and I’m not saying that my stories of queuing for a sudden-onset poo at mile 16 of the London Marathon have INSPIRED THE NATION, but… actually that is what I’m saying. I have inspired you. But it’s not *just* me, it’s everyone who ran it and made it look a bit amazing. More than 840,000 people have applied for a ballot place in next year’s London Marathon which means that about 820,000 people are going to pretend to be absolutely gutted when they don’t get a place, while secretly thanking their lucky stars that they don’t have to train to run 26.2 miles after all.

Do you REALLY want to do this?

Running coach and fellow Substacker

Verity Wright

has written a really interesting piece about this phenomenon and puts a lot of it down to more and more influencers making running look largely FUN when it is, of course, often vile. Worthwhile, but vile. Worthvile? Is that a thing? Shall we make it a thing?

theurbanchallenger

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Marathons aside, there are even more people who might not think they have 26 miles in them (yet) but have decided to dabble with this whole running thing more cautiously - I currently know FOUR different real-life people tackling Couch to 5K for the first time, and several others contemplating it and asking me for advice about trainers. These people are of varying ages and degrees of fitness, but they are all beginner runners, and a couple of them have even said “if you can do it, I can!” which I’m choosing to take as a compliment, possibly mistakenly.

I also absolutely love it when these people message me all proud and stuff to update me on their progress - so if you’re currently getting into running, feel free to tell me ALL about it and we can be boring and proud together.

I do find that a lot of running advice on the internet comes from people who are already really good at running and perhaps even do it as their job. Super-useful, of course, but I decided it might also be useful to dispense some unsolicited tips* from the point of view of someone who went from being a total non-runner for 39 years to merely very average at it for four.

*I have basically made a whole career out of this sort of thing: I even wrote a book about motherhood which I am definitely very average at. Journalism secret: if you are quite good at writing stuff you can masquerade as an expert on ANYTHING.

If it feels really, really hard you’re probably doing it too fast

As someone who likes structure and sort of enjoys being micro-managed (why am I freelance again?), Couch to 5K worked brilliantly for me - but it is not without its flaws. I know a lot of people who try it, say they can’t breathe, want to puke etc, and this is almost certainly because only needing to run for a minute or two before you’re allowed a walking break means it’s very tempting to do those minutes way too fast. It might not feel or look “fast” but if you’re not used to running, it probably is.

You shouldn’t be going flat out, you should be able to hold a conversation. A great way to stick to this is to actually hold a conversation, by running with a friend or a dedicated group. But if exposing your vulnerable, freshly sporty self to other people so soon on your athletic odyssey fills you with dread and you’d rather do it alone, that’s fine too - it was certainly a long time before I felt confident running with anyone else. You could always talk to yourself?

Lots of people are particularly intimidated when Couch to 5K suddenly jumps to demanding that you run for 20 minutes without stopping, because it sounds impossible. I remember it well. But it’s only “impossible” if you are running too fast. If you keep it steady, 20 minutes isn’t much more than 10 minutes, and even 40 minutes doesn’t feel like loads more than 20 minutes. Back in 2020, after completing the programme, I then went from 5K to 10K in just a few weeks, and not (just) because I am amazing, but because I kept it steady. Hare and tortoise innit.

(Which is actually a bit of a myth because when I was a kid I had a pet tortoise called Miranda who once went missing and was found at the fish and chip shop 100 metres up the road, after digging her way under approx 20 garden fences in record time. But I digress. A lot).

So! Just slow the eff down, or you will always think running is hideous and probably not even make it to the end of Couch to 5K: they LOVE bragging that millions upon millions of people have downloaded the app, but they’re less proud of this stat: according to this research, only just over a quarter of people actually complete it.

You are probably not as slow as you think

I have gone on about this before - in fact, I even wrote an article about it for Stylist that went viral - but there are some HUGE myths about running pace. The average runner cannot run 5K in 30 minutes. If you’re a new runner and you can run 5K in under 30 minutes (so, a 6 minute kilometre, or a bit under a 10 minute mile) you are doing brilliantly, especially if you’re getting on a bit. A 35 minute 5K is more like average, but PLEASE REMEMBER THAT EVEN A 50 MINUTE 5K IS BETTER THAN THE VAST MAJORITY OF HUMANS WHO HAVE NOT RUN 5K EVER IN THEIR ENTIRE LIVES AND PROBABLY NEVER WILL.

In case you’re interested, when I completed Couch to 5K in spring 2020, I ran 5K in 39 minutes. Since then, I have run religiously at least three times a week (apart from for a few months in 2022 when plantar fasciitis ruined my life), lost a fair bit of weight, and now generally run 5K in about 31 minutes (my PB is 29:15 and my current goal is to beat it).

This weekend I tried a new-to-me parkrun (at Bethlem Royal Hospital, aka “Bedlam”. And yes, they let me leave hahahahaha you’re hilarious); it was undulating and slightly muddy, and I came in at 31:30, which made me 10th of 25 women. So, a little better than average by that particular parkrun’s standards, but it sounds pretty slow, maybe? Yes, Instagram and Strava are full of people much faster than this - and if you’re some combination of young/light/leggy/fit you probably think a 30 minute 5K sounds slow; newsflash, you’re really good at running! - but IT IS FINE AND NORMAL IF YOU ARE NOT.

greekrunninggoat

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If you get into it, you might get really really into it

They say it takes 18 days to form a habit. Wait, now they say it takes 6 weeks! No, it says here it takes 3 months! Basically there’s loads of conflicting bollocks about how long it takes to form a habit, and it’s probably more down to you and I know you’re very complex.

Things like Couch to 5K and parkrun and running groups make it easier to form a habit (structure, accountability, community…), but once you’ve got there, ready to list “running” alongside “travel” as an interest on your LinkedIn/Hinge profile, if you’re anything like me you’ll be right in the thick of it. I mean, you might not start a Substack about it, but you’ll probably want to sign up for stuff, buy stuff, read about stuff and talk about stuff. For me, doing those things helps me keep it up, fatty. Wanting to feel fit and healthy - physically and mentally - might be enough of a motivation for some people, but to be really consistent, I need to fully immerse myself in whatever it is I’m into. And this is why it’s a bit of a myth that running is a cheap hobby - full immersion can mean tech, trainers, travel…

So, warn your loved ones now - and/or find new ones who are into it. Hi!

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What I am doing now that the marathon is over and my life has lost all meaning and focus…

My last Substack post was written a day or two after the marathon, and I was still on a high from all the attention endorphins. Shortly afterwards, I felt like ABSOLUTE SHIT. Think, PMT-style existential doom. This isn’t just me being dramatic: post-marathon blues is a real thing, to do with dopamine and adrenaline and, y’know, science. But, three weeks on, I feel OK and here’s what I’ve been up to…

Don’t patronise me, Garmin

• KEEPING IT UP! My ever-judgy Garmin screamed at me for quite a few days to rest, and I did, I did, I promise I did, but then my body and soul started screaming at me to run again, so… I did. I’ve been enjoying parkrun a lot, as well as some social runs, including with a new Fordy Runs group organised by some nice people from my kids’ school. Plus I’ve booked The Great South Run in Portsmouth in October and a 10K in Greenwich next month, and I’m also getting to more strength classes and setting goals like “do a chin up without freaking out about my irrational fear of my legs dangling”. Generally, I’m trying to view not being ruled by a marathon training schedule as freeing, rather than descending into panic about nobody telling me what to do and when.

New Fordy Runs club - it’s free and there’s a social run every Tuesday at 7pm, starting from the Doggett Road side of Catford Bridge station. Come join if you’re local! Look how happy we are!

• BOOZING IT UP! I didn’t drink for 8 weeks in the run-up to the marathon and it’s fair to say I’ve been making up for it since, with a few big nights out, nice lunches and other shenanigans, and at these events I have only gone on about the marathon a moderate amount.

One minute you’re running a marathon, the next you’re ordering fried chicken at 1.30am after going to a 90s night with your mates.

• MUMMING IT UP! My family are pretty relieved that I’m no longer ruled by the aforementioned training schedule, so we’ve been doing nice things that three hour training runs might not have allowed, like effectively paying £30 for a packet of Chewits via the two pence slots on Brighton pier.

  

• WORKING IT UP! I’ve also had some interesting new work stuff going on *mysterious face* which has really helped give me a focus too - and crucially some money. SPEAKING OF WHICH! If you would like to help a full-time writer out, you can subscribe to my Substack below. There isn’t a paywall, coughing up is purely a voluntary thing for now but does mean I can prioritise writing it, rather than it being an afterthought around my paid work… thank you!