Things that give me the ick: fitness girlie edition

'Tis the season to be a judgy bitch with anger issues

You liked my audio intro, apparently, so here’s another one.

Every year, the interior designer Nicky Haslam releases a tea-towel via Selfridges listing the things he finds common. Whenever I peruse his new list each year, I’m made to feeling simultaneously smug (“Yes! I hate gender reveals too!”) and judged (“Oh. There is literally almond milk in my mouth right now”) which is, of course, exactly the idea.

Since these days I mostly write nice, wholesome, confidence-boosting, uplifting things — my years of getting paid to be bitchy are largely behind me — sometimes I feel something gnawing inside me. Something a little bit mean. Something a little bit judgy. Do you feel it too? Do you have an internal burn book instead of a gratitude journal?

The truth is, I love running and fitness and what they have done for my life, but I’m aware that running and fitness are interests brimming over with minor cringe potential. I should know, I am a minor, possibly major, cringe myself: after all, I did Couch to 5K four and a half years ago and then basically made it my whole personality.

But I’ve decided I need to get it all out of my system so that I can be loving and giving and charming this Christmas — or just empty out my deep dark well of spite and judgment in time for it to be refilled in 2025 by new icks I haven’t even unlocked yet.

So, without further ado, these are the things from the worlds of running and fitness that get my goat, give me the ick, enrage me, generate all the eyeroll emojis and generally bring out my Very Worst Self, a Very Worst Self that even endorphins and silly little medals can’t cure.

Disclaimer: All icks are my own, I’m probably just not a very nice person and you definitely shouldn’t let me bother you. But also: I’d absolutely love to hear yours!

• Putting your PBs in your Instagram bio

• Running selfies

I know I shouldn’t but I can’t not

• Capri-length leggings

• Patriotic leggings

• Capri-length patriotic leggings

• Galaxy-print leggings (I have some, I love them)

• Running skorts

• Those gross butt-scrunch leggings (except I secretly want to try some)

Darling, you look fabulous, the bold pink really brings out the colour in your bumhole

• Stanley cups at the gym or, actually, anywhere

• Getting your own parkrun t-shirt printed with all the venues you’ve been to like it’s Live Aid or something

• Black running shoes

• Running shoes with jeans even if it’s just to nip to Tesco Express

• Sweaty Betty on the school run when you’re not planning to exercise

• Sweaty Betty on the school run in general (guilty)

• Posting short walks on Strava

• Editing your Strava caption to emphasise that it was an “easy” or “recovery” run

• Editing your Strava caption to emphasise that it was a “slow plod with Cathy”

• Not editing your Strava caption

• Spelling mistakes in Strava segments (IT IS MAYOW PARK NOT MAYOR PARK)

• Claiming something must have gone wrong with your watch/Strava because the times just seem to look all wrong

• People who don’t use Strava

• Men who run in vests (simultaneously arousing)

• Men who run shirtless (as above)

• Those special water bottles made for running with the sculpted handles for your precious hands

• Running with a hydration pack when it’s Beckenham parkrun in November, not the Marathon de Sables

• “Hydrate” when “drink some water” would suffice

• “Fuel” when “eat” would suffice

• Wraparound sunglasses

• Marathon as “victory lap”

• Slower runners having a “party at the back” (Emma Sturgess explains this very eloquently in

  Laura Fountain
  ’s
  Lazy Girl Running
  )

• Motherhood slogans on activewear

• parkrun directors who think they’re doing a Ted Talk

• parkrun directors who think they’re doing a Ted Talk plus it’s raining

• Lying on the ground doing elaborate stretches before parkrun

• “Park Run”

• “ParkRun”

• “Unknown Runner”

• My Garmin’s toxic positivity (“It’s going to be a great day!”, “you got this!”)

• My Garmin negging me (“UNBALANCED”, “UNPRODUCTIVE”)

• Political humour on marathon banners

• Banana humour on marathon banners

• Kilometres

• Virtual races

• “I don’t wear a running watch, it’s not about the stats for me”

• Yoga

• Mentioning specific kinds of yoga as if anyone else has a clue

• Describing yourself as a “fitness girlie” when you are, in fact, 43